Talking to Kids about LGBTQ
Why do I need to talk with my kids about LGBTQ issues?
Caregivers may believe that talking to their kids about LGBTQ issues is unnecessary, irrelevant, too advanced for their age, or too difficult. They may feel like their kids already know their beliefs about LGBTQ issues or that their family doesn’t know any LGBTQ people. They may feel like they don’t have enough knowledge or that it is too overwhelming or awkward. Here are some reasons to reconsider avoiding this topic altogether:
Your child is already hearing about LGBTQ issues through the media, at school, and from their friends or family members. It’s everywhere, and even very young children get information from their peers.
Don’t be caught unprepared! Educating yourself gives you the chance to prepare your thoughts, share accurate information, and provide answers to potential questions that your child may ask you.
You may think that you or your child(ren) don’t know anyone who is LGBTQ, but chances are that you already do!
You never know if or when your child will identify as LGBTQ or come into contact with LGBTQ people. Talking with them about these topics now will send them the message that you love them unconditionally and that they can love others unconditionally.
If your child or a loved one does come out to you, you should be prepared with accurate information and a loving response.
Regardless of your political, religious, or personal beliefs about LGBTQ people, most parents want to teach their children about compassion, understanding, and love for all of humanity, including those who are different than us.
This is an overwhelming topic. Where do I even start?
This is not a single conversation. These can be complex concepts so talking about them over time in small pieces will take some of the pressure off you to teach your child everything at once. Avoid lectures or long conversations and encourage more questions in the future.
“There are so many kinds of LGBTQ people! Let’s keep talking about this.”
“That was fun talking about gay people, next time we can learn more about trans people.”
“I’m so glad you asked me about that.”
“If you want to learn more, I can help you find books, websites, or influencers who can teach you more about it.”
Start young. Incorporate LGBTQ language into your everyday conversations to normalize the experience of queer people. Avoid heteronormative or transphobic language. Here are some examples:
“Boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls.”
“Some people are born as a girl but their hearts and brains know they are really a boy.”
“That’s silly when people say boys can’t play with dolls or paint their nails and girls can’t play with trucks or dig in the dirt.”
“When you grow up, you might have crushes on boys, girls, or both.”
“Everyone gets to figure out if they are a boy or girl or some of both.”
“We don’t say “that’s gay” in a way that means someone is dumb or strange or stupid.”
Listen and ask open-ended questions. Hear the specific question or comment and ask what they understand about it. This will help you get a lot more information about what they know and how they interpret what they’ve seen and heard.
“What do you think that word means?”
“Why do you think kids tease someone about being gay or lesbian?”
“How do you want to respond to that?”
“How do you feel when you see a boy wearing a dress?”
Follow your child’s lead. Bring up topics and answer questions based on their interest, age level, and ability to understand new concepts. Try to only answer the question that your child asked you. Kids can feel just as overwhelmed with learning about LGBTQ issues as adults do.
“Gender is how we think about whether we are a girl, a boy, both, or neither.”
“Thanks for asking me about what it means to be “bi.” Do you have any other questions?”
“Aunt Maria is going to marry Chelsea. What do you think about that?”
Talk about universal values like love, acceptance, understanding, compassion, empathy, fairness, and justice. If your child comes out as LGBTQ later, they will already know you will love them no matter who they are. They will also know how to treat people who are different than them.
“No matter our differences, we love and accept all people.”
“How can you help Jackson feel better after the kids tease him?”
“It’s not fair when some people can’t do the same things that everyone else can do.”
“I don’t understand why she thinks that way, but we respect that everyone gets to have their own opinions.”
Be honest about what you don’t know, how you feel, or what is confusing to you. Then find the answers, maybe even together.
“Great question! Let’s look that up online.”
“I’ll find out and let you know.”
“I’m not quite sure what I think about that yet.”
“This is a major debate in our country right now.”
Find and take advantage of teachable moments. Start conversations by using something from current events, a TV show or movie,, or social media. Read LGBTQ-friendly books, have your teens watch a documentary, and talk about your LGBTQ family and friends.
“I just saw something on the news that I wanted to talk about.”
“What did you think about your aunt and uncle using those words when they were talking about LGBTQ people?”
“How did you feel when you heard about the shooting at the drag show?”
“I wish we could see more LGBTQ people in the media.”
Denounce discrimination and inequality. Immediately address derogatory terms or hateful behaviors with non-judgemental curiosity and a clear message. Don’t avoid the hard topics or sugarcoat the struggles of LGBTQ people across time.
“Where did you hear that word? Do you understand what it means?”
“I wonder if they understand how that leaves LGBTQ people out? It is important to our family that we treat all people fairly.”
“Not very long ago, LGBTQ people in this country couldn’t get married or adopt kids.”
“When Joey was young, it wasn’t safe for him to come out of the closet as a trans man.”
“There are still places where it’s okay to kill someone who is LGBTQ.”
Make it personal. Use examples from your life or people that you know. Let your child(ren) know how you will respond if someone you love is LGBTQ.
“Jose and Steve are coming to dinner, did you know they are gay?”
“I am a girl and love football and to dress up girly. None of those things make me gay or straight.”
“I was talking with Levi’s two moms about a playdate.”
If you are LGBTQ, I will love you because you are you.”
“How would you feel if someone acted weird about sharing a bathroom with you?”
“I would feel really angry and sad if someone bullied you for being different.”
What do I do if my child comes out to me?
Telling family, particularly caregivers, that they are queer is a monumental moment in an LGBTQ person’s life. There is often much contemplation, planning, fear, and dread involved beforehand - even with parents who are openly supportive of LGBTQ people. Growing up in a trans- and homophobic society instills a natural fear of rejection, so don’t take it personally.
People in social and therapeutic settings will forever ask your child how their parents/caregivers responded when they came out. This puts a lot of pressure on you to handle it right! Here are some suggestions:
Don’t panic! Your child needs you to be present with them in this vulnerable moment. The best way not to panic is to be prepared. Educate yourself. Imagine this scenario and decide now what you will say and do.
Figure out your personal feelings and/or moral stance now so you can respond in a way that your child needs. If you have a strong moral stance against LGBTQ people or issues, this is not the time to express it! Your child already knows how you feel. If it is necessary, you can have conversations about your views and feelings later.
Respond with love and reassurance. Tell your child that you love them without condition. Compliment their bravery and honesty in telling you.
Recognize that your child is still the same person that you know and love. Say it out loud so your child knows that you understand that being LGBTQ is only one part of who they are.
Ask questions about how they knew they were LGBTQ, their experiences, how they felt about telling you, who they are afraid of telling, who already knows, who they feel comfortable with you telling, and, most importantly, what they need from you.
Invite them to have more conversations with you in the future so this is not just a once-and-done conversation.
If you regret your initial response, go back and say so! Tell your child what you wish you would have said or done instead.
If you are struggling with how to talk to your children, your feelings about an LGBTQ child, or regretting your response to their coming out to you, consider talking with a therapist to work through these complex issues. At Elemental Healing,, we will hear your struggles without judgment and help you navigate your relationship with your child.